Penis-Measuring Among the Gods


When the gods go to their god-club to smoke cigars and sit in cushy chairs upholstered with the leather of mythical beasts, how do you suppose they go about measuring their penises?

By number of worshippers? By dominion? By the character of the age?

Because if it is by sheer volume of worshippers, the Abrahamic god would be the most well-endowed by far, as his count includes Christians, Muslims, and Jews.

If it is by dominion, however, and we stipulate dominion is independent of followers, some Pagan gods have lists that would extend form the tips of their rarified noses to the center of the earth and out the other side.

But if it is by character of the age, we must acknowledge it has been all Hermes for quite some time now.

He sits princely in his chair, nonchalant, highball half drunk, gesturing for another—cross-legged, bouncing his foot, checking his messages and stock quotes.

He has no use for this conversation.


About M. Ashley

Essayist and poet, my work has been rejected by some of the finest journals in America. Fortunately, it also gets accepted from time to time and has appeared in equally fine journals such as Word Riot, Inlandia, Brew City Magazine, and SageWoman among others.. In 2002, I was awarded the Academy of American Poets Prize for Vanderbilt University. For no good reason, I possess an unnecessarily dark humor which is why being third generation California Inland Empirian delights me so. My gods are weird. I once received $350 for writing a smartassed essay on “why the wise use of water is important in my daily life”. I am undoubtedly the Greek god Hermes’ special snowflake. I’m pretty sure I got into college via a series of fortuitous clerical errors. When I had to grow up and get a real job, I decided against it and stayed a writer. I have worked many odd—and I mean odd—jobs to support my habit: Commercial writer for country music hopefuls, resume massager, WalMart fitting room attendant and switchboard operator, telephone psychic.
This entry was posted in God Prose, Gods, Hellenic Gods, Hellenic Polytheism, Humor and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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